I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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