Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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