how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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