He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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