Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
