I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
