We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
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