I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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