Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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