Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
