i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
