You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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