Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
