i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Randomize
