I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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