Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Is Oprah even human
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
