I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
