Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
