i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
