My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
