I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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