Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
