splinters make it hard to masturbate
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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