she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Randomize
