it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
