well he's currently spooning the coffee table
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
