she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
