I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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