happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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