Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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