If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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