The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
