That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
