Three words: puerto rican gang bang
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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