if only i could text you this smell
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize