don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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