who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
