I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
