I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
