i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
