We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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