im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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