Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Jerry, you need to find god
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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