worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
