you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
