I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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