I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
