I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
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