and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
