You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
