Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
