I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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