Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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