He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize