No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
