I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
